Stuck On Me?
July 25, 2007My head is filled with thoughts and realizations culled from a long weekend out of town. A rather insightful conversation with my good friend Derrick unfortunately confirmed my fears. Simply put, my present, no matter how beautiful, will always end up getting fucked up silly, because the monsters of my past keep rearing its ugly head. The funny thing is, I'm the only one with the power to kill these monsters. So why can't I?
I know. Pathetic seems like a massive understatement. Most of my friends have already moved forward with their lives. The rest have beautiful futures readily waiting for them. But here I am, stuck, stuck and unbelievably lonely.
Unbelievable because I now have Ayanna with me and she's a dream, definitely way too good for me. She is smart and funny and incredibly interesting. She is gorgeous without conceit and graceful without effort.
“This is so you Alvs. When things are going great you tend to complicate everything.” Derick said while trying on a pinstriped shirt.
"I am not trying to complicate my life. I just don't think I can be the person that I want to be if…”
Derick didn't let me finish and said “is this about that slut again? Dude, you're my best friend but I can assure you that no one in our group will accept her again.”
I told him to buy the shirt and said “you're missing the point. This is not just about her. This is about me and what I want in life.”
Derick looks at me and asks “what is it that you want Alvs?”
I didn't have an answer to that so i stepped out while he paid at the cashier.
I know I'm hardly making any sense. I don't expect people to understand save for a few very close friends. It's just that if I take a good look at my life, I see that it's nowhere near what I had envisioned it to be. It's not that it's a bad life, just not a life I pictured for myself.
Perhaps I'm over-analyzing. Looking back at my conversation with Derrick, I wonder if I'm just making excuses for myself again. Maybe Derrick is right and if that's true, then there is little hope for me. You might as well stamp a huge L on my forehead. Fact is, I'm not even sure if I really don't know what I want, or it's clear as day and I'm just in denial.
I wonder, am I alone on this wild ride?!
Previous Comments
you are not alone! you’ll always have us 
Hi. Just dropped by…
Anyway, don’t think too much…
You’ll look old easily…
Posted by cris at July 25, 2007, 4:05 pmUh oh… now you are also making me confused! lol
why do we complicate things sometimes? sigh. 
To quote the movie Tin Cup
Dr. Molly Griswold: Roy, Roy, Roy, you don’t have any inner demons. What you have is inner crapola, inner debris… garbage… loose wires, a few…(laughs) horseshit in staggering amounts.
There isn’t much to fix Alvin, just some loose ends that needs to be tied and done with completely.. Live for the present, and not for the past; it won’t do much good to over analyze things, your life is doing great already.
Posted by twistedkai at July 26, 2007, 5:25 amtwo of the worst questions you ask yourself are “what do i want in life?” and “is she/he still thinking about me?
i hope you realize what you really want before it’s too late.
cheers!
Posted by ccc at July 26, 2007, 3:42 pm
You are in denial. Yep, straight to the point eh?
You already have something beautiful, yet your yearning for the past complicates the present and your future. I can understand that man. However, sooner or later you MUST realize that you are entitled to be happy. Why settle for second best when you can be first in someones eyes eh?
Posted by virus at July 25, 2007, 1:16 pm