The Awful Truth…
July 4, 2007It's morning again, and as I have for the past thousand mornings of my life, I yawn, scratch, shower, lather my beard and drag three metal blades across one of the most sensitive parts of my body. Afterwards, as it did the past thousand days of my life, my face burns. So I wash my face and towel it dry. I stare at myself in front of the mirror and begin to wonder…
Do I really know what I want?
Again and again, people say that I am decent, hardworking, and God-fearing individual who shouldn't be scared of anything that lies ahead. I hear these things from people frequently enough, I might actually begin to believe that this is how I should always see myself – as a pious, anonymous working stiff, obeying the law because I'm scared not to, providing myself with a tolerable level of comfort and allowing myself an occasional extravagance.
They were wrong because there's no sense denying that the vicarious kick of vanity is a huge part of my life. And what I really want (and I know it?!) is to be famous (so I can stand out from the crowd), to be so powerful (so the law can't stop me from doing pretty much anything I feel like), and to have a healthy relationship.
After recuperating from a strange fever, I finally went out last night with some friends. Everything was going great. The place was so packed. All the revelers were in high gear and it was so crowded you could barely move. With all the commotion, I needed a drink so I went to the bar and couldn't decide whether to have another wine or rum coke. Suddenly, someone approaches and offers me a drink. Of all the bars, of all the nights, of all the people, why oh why? It was my ex…
“I'm with some friends. I saw you and I just wanted to say hi.” She said after handing me a drink. “Thanks.” I told her after giving her a customary kiss. The world stopped for about 30 mins. As if a single ray of light has pierced the overcast sky on us. We talked about her tv show, endorsement deals, her bad dates, and Ayanna. Then my phone starts ringing. “Aren't you gonna answer it?” She asked after finding out who was calling me. “Hi honey, where are you? We're all here. I've been waiting for you.” … Ayanna called to inform me that she couldn't make it anymore and would just see me the following day. I didn't tell her anything about my ex…. I FUCKING LIED.
The clouds which have gathered and deliberated, now begin to distribute a steady rain and now I have questions that I shouldn't be asking at this stage. I could have casually told her that I saw my ex. Why did I lie about it? There was no excuse. I feel so awful…
Previous Comments
doubt and questions will not cloud your heart and thoughts if you have set your heart and soul fully on your new journey. take a pause for a while and think if you are ready to leave the island of your past. you are the master of your own journey kuya alvin. you know what to do. the answers are all scattered everywhere like the sands on the shore. all you have to do is to contemplate and feel what your heart really tells you. the breeze may guide you to your direction, but it is you who controls your own sail.
i do believe that you will be ok in no time. you are one sensible being. you can handle this one.
If I want a long lasting relationship, I wouldn’t lie… As much as possible, I want my girl to know everything about me… Except for some stuffs… hehehe… Oh man, are you not ready to let go of your past? Ayanna’s good for you na… I think. 
according to the love dictionary, “indifference is the opposite of love, not hate.” i think u still feel something for ur ex, just reading from ur posts. but then again, u just ignore this idea of mine. 
if u feel bad about lying, then better tell Ayanna about it, to get that load off ur chest. it may not even be a big deal to her but it sure helps clear up that awful feeling.
Posted by carey at July 5, 2007, 9:15 pmi always wonder why people lie… one could have told the truth but did otherwise… ce la vie!
Posted by cai at July 6, 2007, 11:40 amVirus, I took your advice. I did the right thing. I told her the truth. Now, your first month is free…
Bulitas, as always you’re the king of sensibility!
Janus, it was a terrible mistake. I felt awful and wont do it again.
Carey, it wasn’t a big deal at all. I’m lucky to have someone who truly understands.
Cai, it was a terrible mistake and I’m not proud of it.
Posted by planetalvin at July 10, 2007, 12:16 am
This is what happens, when one is not ready to let go of the past.
Look deep within yourself Alvs. Weigh the pros and cons of both decisions. You are at a crossroads. Either make new memories with Ayanna or cling to a dead miserable past.
Either way it’s a choice you gotta make and sitting on the fence will only prolong your stay in limbo.
Posted by Virus at July 4, 2007, 11:25 am